unwelcome in the only place i ever knew

this summer i went back to a place i once called home; to a country i used to claim as my own. only to see for myself that things are no longer the same.

i've always known that portugal is a racist country. after all, i spent the first 12 years of my life there and learnt very early in my childhood that there were people out there who despised me because i was black. despised me, a child, because i was black.

so going back after all these years almost left me with some hope that things would be different. that i would finally feel like i belonged in the country i was born in. but at the back of my mind i also knew that i was being too hopeful, and that my patriotic vein was far from being restored.

@lpinacolada75 on instagram

patriotism has always made my skin itch. the idea of loving the country you were born in, of being incredibly proud of it - it makes my stomach turn.
how could i ever truly love a country that has never loved me? that has always questioned my right to be in it? that has constantly made me believe i didn't belong because my skin isn't white? 

how could i possibly love it? how can i be proud of a country that has always, and still rejects me and people who look like me?

i can't. and i don't think i ever will.
not until white supremacist ideals ingrained in the portuguese cease to exist. not until we can walk into a cafe, sit in said cafe, and not be stared at because of our dark skin.

my relationship with portugal is complicated, it's bitter. living in england, i'd forgotten what it was like to be hyper aware of your race a l l t h e t i m e. i'd forgotten what it's like to question whether people are being rude to you because they're grumpy or because they hate black people.

i could tell you all about the bullying, the micro aggressions, the million situations in which i've been mistreated, treat as less than; but tbh fuck that. we all know racism is a thing - if you need to be convinced of that move aside, i'm not talking to you.

i guess what i'm trying to come to terms with, is the fact that i don't really belong anywhere - not in portugal, not in guinea-bissau [where my parents are from], not in england.

england has been good to me but i'm not english, i'm not british. so what am i?

the more i think about it, the more i realise nationality doesn't interest me. my passport is portuguese by right, but i couldn't feel any less portuguese. and i feel like no matter how many years i end up living in england, i'll never see myself as british either.

i've determined for myself that the things i care about are being black, being a black woman, & being african.

i have no interest in fighting to be accepted by people whose ancestors have taken our lands, enslaved our people, raped our women and taken away our resources. all of that for me to have to prove to some white portuguese lady why i'm just as portuguese as she is? why would i want to do that? what's there to be proud of???



exactly -

nothing.

thanks for readin' ❤
luci x

where do we go from here ?

we all know creators, makers and artists go through a lot of ups and downs when it comes to their work and man, i can totally resonate with that.

right now, i'm kinda dipping into this space where i feel a little bit shit about the fact that i'm not making good, substantial work. it feels as if i've lost my mojo and i hate it. 

i'm also at a place where i'm questioning a lot of the stuff that i am making and have made. and reflecting on it. thinking about the type of work i want to be making. 

the truth is, i think i'm lacking purpose. i've lost my voice. i'm not entirely sure what it is i'm trying to say. that drive and that passion that pushes me into making seems to have gone away and i can't help but sit here and think that i'm somewhat lost.

also being away from art school means i don't have that structure. there aren't any deadlines or briefs to work to, no tutor to guide me in the right direction and i really miss having that. even though it is stressful. i feel like i need to be challenged, like i need something to work towards, some project - idk anything.

and it's weird because i've never been the type of person that needs someone to tell them what to do or to motivate me. making comes off quite naturally to me, but recently, it hasn't been quite the same.

@lpinacolada75 on instagram ♡

i'm supposed to be an illustrator. drawing is meant to be second nature to me and i feel like i'm not living up to that.
i follow a lot of artists & creators, & what i notice especially when it comes to music artists is how into their craft they are. they live and breathe music. that's all they can think about. that's all they do, all the fucking time! they have a vision in mind, a mission to accomplish and it's so inspiring. and i really don't know if dynamics change when it comes to illustrators but surely if we're all artists i should be that involved in my own art. ?

it kinda bums me out tbh. 16-yr-old luci was all about that. i feel like i was so intense and so into my work at that point in my life - all i thought about was art. i had the intention of being a fine artist so set in stone and the drive was there so completely and wholeheartedly. but she was depressed and sad and angry and i'm in such a different mindset now. but c'mon, negative feelings are not the catalyst for ultimate artistic-ness. & that's a very problematic thing to internalise. 

the absence of anger & pain does not lead to the ultimate and tragic demise of any type of artistic practice.

@lpinacolada75 on instagram ♡

& i'm still pretty angry and sad about many things anyway. i'm a happier person but there's a lot of shit that makes my blood boil or just leaves me feeling really fucking sad. & there are so many things that have happened to me in recent months, i'm changing and learning so much that surely i could channel those things into my work.

i have things to say, i have things i love, and hate about the world but i need some focus and some intention in order to make all these thoughts and ideas into images. could they be part of a zine ? a comic ? a series of illustrations ? i need to think about it. the inspiration is there; i have tons of artists to look up to. i just need to make an active effort to revive that passion that drives my creativity. 

@lpinacolada75 on instagram ♡

here's a vid u should watch for ur daily dose of inspo if u need it.

thanks for readin' ❤
luci x

an ode to rosewater

i've changed considerably in the last year. i feel like a brand new person pretty much every month and it's refreshing to see how much i'm evolving and learning and growing into a person i'm kinda proud to be.

one of the things i've been working on recently, has been to rid myself of my extremely toxic and materialistic tendencies.
you know. learning to care less, to value less, the things that you can buy. the things that money can buy. and it's working. slowly but surely, and i honestly feel so much lighter, so much more content with the life i have.

i used to be of the mindset where i felt like i needed the most expensive stuff and how unfair it was that i couldn't afford them. 17-year-old me wanted to buy all the products youtubers raved about in their monthly favourites but i'm such a different person now.
it feels as if the switch in my brain that gave importance to those things has been turned off (mostly anyway).

and along with my decision to transition to natural hair came the urge to rid my life of all things unnatural. unnatural foods, unnatural products.
suddenly, i found myself feeling really uncomfortable about using that nivea exfoliator i was so excited about just a few months ago.
truth is, it's most likely full of things i don't need or want. if a simple sugar scrub will exfoliate my skin just fine, why would i feel the need to spend so much? and to do so on ingredients i barely know?

i've heard a lot about rosewater over the years but i never really looked into its uses or benefits. but i recently re-watched a video of Princess Nokia making her own and was inspired to try it out, like i promised myself i would all those months ago.
you can find the benefits of rosewater anywhere online but overall, it's just a really versatile product and so so good for you hair and skin. also, there's just something really therapeutic about making your own shit you know? and if you're anything like me, you'll have lots of fun doing it too.

you can check out princess nokia's video on how to make rosewater which is the one i followed.
also, here's a pic of mine mid petal infusion!

i feel like this is the start of something new. feels good to have something i've made myself to nourish my hair and skin and i can't wait to make more of my own products! sans toxic ingredients


thanks for readin'
luci x

why the girls i draw look the way they look

whenever i post pics of some of my personal illustrations or show them to friends or family, i always worry that they think the girls i draw are a little bit weird and unusual.

maybe they do, maybe it's all in my head but either way it's got me thinking about my intentions as an illustrator when i am drawing women. for a while, i genuinely believed there was no real message behind my drawings of girls because after all, they're just drawings of girls.

but actually thinking about it has made me realise that when i do draw them (which happens pretty much all the time), i always do so with a conscious effort to diversify images of women out there.

and even if i'm not intending it to, whatever i'm making will have a message - whether it's obvious or not & whether i want it to or not. 

and i know my illustrations are only being seen by a handful of people on instagram who probably don't give a shit anyway but they are still being seen; they're still media that someone out there is consuming. so to me, it's comforting to think that maybe a gal out there will see my illustrations and think 'wow that girl has pointy boobs like mine' or 'i finally see my body shape in a character!' and feel like their existence is being somewhat validated.

well, validation might be a bit of stretch there (that's my massive ego speakin' lol) but truth is, i know how important images like this are to me. that feeling i get when i see an image i feel totally represented by is unusual but priceless and truly golden! so i can only hope the shit i'm making will have the same effect on someone else.

and to be completely honest, i'm tired - i'm exhausted of seeing the same images, the same mantra being fed to me every single day. and i'm not about to subscribe to that. i'm not about to only draw skinny white girls because there's more than enough shit on them already. what i'm interested in is the shit i don't see - the neglected body shapes, the unrepresented skin tones, the unusual facial features. anything but what we're all shamelessly and constantly bombarded with.


thanks for readin'
luci x