unwelcome in the only place i ever knew

this summer i went back to a place i once called home; to a country i used to claim as my own. only to see for myself that things are no longer the same.

i've always known that portugal is a racist country. after all, i spent the first 12 years of my life there and learnt very early in my childhood that there were people out there who despised me because i was black. despised me, a child, because i was black.

so going back after all these years almost left me with some hope that things would be different. that i would finally feel like i belonged in the country i was born in. but at the back of my mind i also knew that i was being too hopeful, and that my patriotic vein was far from being restored.

@lpinacolada75 on instagram

patriotism has always made my skin itch. the idea of loving the country you were born in, of being incredibly proud of it - it makes my stomach turn.
how could i ever truly love a country that has never loved me? that has always questioned my right to be in it? that has constantly made me believe i didn't belong because my skin isn't white? 

how could i possibly love it? how can i be proud of a country that has always, and still rejects me and people who look like me?

i can't. and i don't think i ever will.
not until white supremacist ideals ingrained in the portuguese cease to exist. not until we can walk into a cafe, sit in said cafe, and not be stared at because of our dark skin.

my relationship with portugal is complicated, it's bitter. living in england, i'd forgotten what it was like to be hyper aware of your race a l l t h e t i m e. i'd forgotten what it's like to question whether people are being rude to you because they're grumpy or because they hate black people.

i could tell you all about the bullying, the micro aggressions, the million situations in which i've been mistreated, treat as less than; but tbh fuck that. we all know racism is a thing - if you need to be convinced of that move aside, i'm not talking to you.

i guess what i'm trying to come to terms with, is the fact that i don't really belong anywhere - not in portugal, not in guinea-bissau [where my parents are from], not in england.

england has been good to me but i'm not english, i'm not british. so what am i?

the more i think about it, the more i realise nationality doesn't interest me. my passport is portuguese by right, but i couldn't feel any less portuguese. and i feel like no matter how many years i end up living in england, i'll never see myself as british either.

i've determined for myself that the things i care about are being black, being a black woman, & being african.

i have no interest in fighting to be accepted by people whose ancestors have taken our lands, enslaved our people, raped our women and taken away our resources. all of that for me to have to prove to some white portuguese lady why i'm just as portuguese as she is? why would i want to do that? what's there to be proud of???



exactly -

nothing.

thanks for readin' ❤
luci x

where do we go from here ?

we all know creators, makers and artists go through a lot of ups and downs when it comes to their work and man, i can totally resonate with that.

right now, i'm kinda dipping into this space where i feel a little bit shit about the fact that i'm not making good, substantial work. it feels as if i've lost my mojo and i hate it. 

i'm also at a place where i'm questioning a lot of the stuff that i am making and have made. and reflecting on it. thinking about the type of work i want to be making. 

the truth is, i think i'm lacking purpose. i've lost my voice. i'm not entirely sure what it is i'm trying to say. that drive and that passion that pushes me into making seems to have gone away and i can't help but sit here and think that i'm somewhat lost.

also being away from art school means i don't have that structure. there aren't any deadlines or briefs to work to, no tutor to guide me in the right direction and i really miss having that. even though it is stressful. i feel like i need to be challenged, like i need something to work towards, some project - idk anything.

and it's weird because i've never been the type of person that needs someone to tell them what to do or to motivate me. making comes off quite naturally to me, but recently, it hasn't been quite the same.

@lpinacolada75 on instagram ♡

i'm supposed to be an illustrator. drawing is meant to be second nature to me and i feel like i'm not living up to that.
i follow a lot of artists & creators, & what i notice especially when it comes to music artists is how into their craft they are. they live and breathe music. that's all they can think about. that's all they do, all the fucking time! they have a vision in mind, a mission to accomplish and it's so inspiring. and i really don't know if dynamics change when it comes to illustrators but surely if we're all artists i should be that involved in my own art. ?

it kinda bums me out tbh. 16-yr-old luci was all about that. i feel like i was so intense and so into my work at that point in my life - all i thought about was art. i had the intention of being a fine artist so set in stone and the drive was there so completely and wholeheartedly. but she was depressed and sad and angry and i'm in such a different mindset now. but c'mon, negative feelings are not the catalyst for ultimate artistic-ness. & that's a very problematic thing to internalise. 

the absence of anger & pain does not lead to the ultimate and tragic demise of any type of artistic practice.

@lpinacolada75 on instagram ♡

& i'm still pretty angry and sad about many things anyway. i'm a happier person but there's a lot of shit that makes my blood boil or just leaves me feeling really fucking sad. & there are so many things that have happened to me in recent months, i'm changing and learning so much that surely i could channel those things into my work.

i have things to say, i have things i love, and hate about the world but i need some focus and some intention in order to make all these thoughts and ideas into images. could they be part of a zine ? a comic ? a series of illustrations ? i need to think about it. the inspiration is there; i have tons of artists to look up to. i just need to make an active effort to revive that passion that drives my creativity. 

@lpinacolada75 on instagram ♡

here's a vid u should watch for ur daily dose of inspo if u need it.

thanks for readin' ❤
luci x